London Ninja

Poland is one of the cheapest places you can visit in Europe right now and get old school eastern european prices. As a member of the EU that has not joined the Eurozone, which are the countries that have converted to using the Euro. As such, prices are in Polish zloty, which right now is quite shit. This makes for a great trip. Krakow, pronounced krak-oof, is the cultural centre of Poland and the place to go.

Krakow Highlights:

1. Relive the horror of the Holocause at Auschwitz

No trip to Krakow is complete without a trip to the concentration camp of Auschwitz. It’s a cold, dark place where 1.5 million jews were massacred. It is where Jews from all other parts of the German empire were taken for their executions in cold, calculated efficiency. Crematoriums were asssessed regularly on their throughput of bodies to amount of fuel for the fires. The chambers full of hair, spectacles, luggages, and shoes for re-purposing are a powerful image of this cold effiency. Hair, for example, was shipped to Berlin to be used to make blankets. Yes, that’s blankets and pillows out of human hair.

The tour begins with a black and white film, which you have seen on Discovery channel, and then a guide takes you through the different areas. Everything is carried out with, again, a cold effiency without much emotion. There is nothing glorified here, no tear-jerking stories of heroism or tragedy. You just took a tour of the sites where 1.5 million Jews were sent to their deaths and what the operations were like to execute on that plan. (see what I did with execute there?) It is a somber place with a tragic history. You don’t need to dress it up.

You are then taken to Birkenau, aka Auschwitz 2. This is the true death camp where the weak were taken for execution. This place made the other Auschwitz seem like the Ritz Carlton. People stacked on top of each other waiting for their deaths.

You don’t leave Auschwitz with any new revelations or strong feelings of human emotion, since you have seen it all already on Discovery channel. What you do leave with is a glimpse of what it may have been like to have been here. Seeing some of the photos, lining up where the people slept or were tortured. It gives you just enough of a glimpse to think…maybe my cubicle job isn’t all that bad, considering I’m not sleeping standing up while the two bunks above with 39 other people piled on top of each other is dripping with filth.

2. Eat some Polish cheese in the moutains of Zakopane

It is nice to visit an area outside of the main city and see the resort area of Zakopane. All over the area, there are old ladies selling these blocks of cheese, which taste like a smokey gouda. It is great when it is grilled.

3. Enjoy perogi from a milk bar like a commie

Perogi is the national dish of Poland. It’s a heavy dumping, usually with a bit of pork in the middle, consumed when Poland was a part of the USSR in the milk bars, where people ate at every day. You usually top off the perogi with some bacon bits and oil. Yummmm. It’s pretty tastey, just not the best thing if you’re trying to work on your fitness.

4. Drink vodka with the locals like a commie.
Krakow has many great bars and the Vodka Bar has a great selection of vodkas to taste, including coffee, lemon, and chocolate. A great way to cap off the night.

Conclusion: 3.5/5 Ninjas
Krakow is a gem of a city in Eastern Europe, still holding on to some of the old school while embracing capitalism. With the economy the way it is, the Polish Zloty has come down significantly, making Krakow a great place to visit. You are well-reminded on how this place has been shat on throughout history but you can also see the country coming to its own in a young and thriving town like Krakow. Getting out of Krakow for Auschwitz and other towns will give you a even bigger picture of a great place to spend a weekend before returning to your 9-5 cubicle job and thinking life is pretty good.

Krakow photos:

Auschwitz photos:

Morocco is a special place but in no way met any of my expectations, both good and bad. To sum up our Morocco trip in a single phrase, I would say it was “full on”. Let me give you my top observations about Morocco here:

1. Marrakech is not an undiscovered city.
There is no better way of exemplifying this than terrible Hop On Hop Off City Buses. These abominations fill every tourist big city stuffed with fat colourfully dressed Westerners. They were in Marakech. So it goes.

2. Moroccan men enjoy the company of other men
I will start by saying I’m a gay rights supporter that has DJ’d for a San Franciscan gender illusionist club. That said, Moroccan men kiss each other and hold hands…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3. The Djeema El Fna is a big rave sans the glow sticks

The world renowned square in Marrakech is an interesting sight of vendors, tourist attractions like snake charmers, food, and people everywhere. It really just felt like a big rave where you walk around in the desert looking at light shows. Some areas have very aggressive guys trying to get you to try their food and reminding you constantly that you are Japonaise…which brings me to my next point.

3. London Ninja is not Japonaise.
I studied Japanese for 2 years in University but am not Japanese no matter how much sushi I consume. The people in Marrakech, however, do not seem to agree with this and continually say, “konichiwa, arigato.” I have no one to blame for this but the Japonaise themselves. I am certain groups of wealthy Japonaise giggle and toss out Moroccan Dirhims at the sound of anything resembling Japanese. Thank you, Japonaise. I owe you one.

4. Moroccans do not shake or eat with their left hands.
I’m not sure I need to expand on this, but I will and let’s just say toilet paper is not present in every toilet…and by toilet, I’m talking about a hole in the ground…a shithole, literally. There’s usually some source of water around so you can wash your dirty hand or however that works. I don’t even want to go there other than to say bring your TP if you’re heading out to Morocco.

5. Moroccan food is …. ok
Tajine, meats and vegetables cooked in a clay pot resembling an upside down funnel, brochette, and cous cous are pretty good…but not that good. It is, however, what you eat every meal of every day in Morocco. The flavours are ok, just not varied or complex. After a couple of days, beef pho with basil and Sriracha starts to sound pretty damn good.

6. Islamic chanting over loud speakers sounds like chicken killing

No offense to all Moroccan Muslims out there, but the prayer/song that is chanted all day in Morocco really needs a bit more soul(see what I did there?)5 times a day, the city is covered by the singing of various priests who make a singing/whining sound through loudspeakers covering the entire city, which is when Muslims are to pray in a mosque or on their own. While I found it amusing the first time I heard it (during a nap), it lost that jenesequa at 5am. This was every day I was in Morocco and apparently they never voted out the bad singers. What happened to quality control?

7. Camels are cute and cost less than donkeys

Donkeys, are also cute little things. This is my sensitive side, folks…you know, the one chicks(including my wife) dig. Feel free to take notes. You can’t take the game out of the player, son. Where was I? Ah, yes…Donkeys. Camels cost 12000md, 500 for a donkey. Yes, your very own donkey for the price of dinner and drinks in San Francisco. Why not? From what I’ve seen both donkeys and camels have a undeserved reputation for biting, spitting, and being disagreeable creatures. The farting reputation stands.

Both animals seem to always have a smile on their faces. Who doesn’t like that? Camels also have interesting feet, their toes in particular…not sure why.

8. When given the choice, do not ride a camel smaller than you

On our 3 day excursion out to the Sahara desert in Erg Chebbi near Merzouga, we rode camels into the sand dunes where we slept under the stars in a Berber tent. Somehow I was stuck on a camel the size of my cousin Jimmy, who while big for a ninja, is nowhere near what a camel is at full size.
The ride was pretty amazing…if you define sore and chafed bollocks as amazing. 2 hours felt just right for the camel ride…if you ask my bollocks.

Sunset and sunrise were lovely, as were the most amazing stars I’ve seen since Hale Bopp. One bit of advice on these yours is not to expect full narration. Let’s just say there still is a language gap between Moroccans and Japonaise.

9. Riads are where you should stay in
Riads are like bed and breakfasts but in a fancy Prince of Persia type setting. Ours was very cool where the host brought us mint tea in the courtyard and brought us to our very ornate room. There is no other way to stay in Morocco…stay in a nice riad.

10. Berber Whiskey is not the same as Scotch Whiskey

There is no distillation process. There is no aging. There is no slurring of speech. There is no puddle of filth in the corner of the room(as displayed by ODJ during our trip to Galway). There is no headache the next morning. There is no looking around and asking “Where are my clothes and why am I in a chicken outfit?”

Morocco is a Islamic country and as such alcohol is difficult to get a hold of…usually at the risk of death. Generally you can find it at Westernised hotels and other buildings that get blown up here and there. (nah, it’s not all that extreme). Instead of alcohol Moroccans drink a lot of mint tea, which is strong green tea, fresh mint leaves, and a lot of sugar. It tastes like Spearmint gum in a shotglass, which once you get used to it can tastes much better than Jim Beam ever tasted.

Conclusion: 4/5 ninjas
Morocco was in the end unlike anywhere else we’ve ever been. The “full-on” aspect of it, the camels, the mint tea, the sahara, etc. It was a great. You can only stay in Marrakech for so long and trips to the desert or outside of Marrakech are recommended. You are viewed as dollar bills and the people can be aggressive but as long as you’re aware, it’s all good. Just have some Berber Whiskey and start practicing Japonaise!

Slideshow (~65 pics)

Apparently camels spit and snort at you and generally don’t like people. I can’t wait for it! This Friday we leave for Marrakech, Morocco. It will be the first time to Africa and I’m fully expecting it to shock my system one way or another…at the very least on the way out of my system.

Now, we’ve been travelling all over Europe but this one’s different. It’s Africa. It’s a Muslim country that doesn’t drink yet has an underground nightlife for tourists. There are bombings. There are dead mules in the streets. This is Morocco. Our plan is to head into town for a couple of days then travel to the Saharan desert to ride a camel into the desert and sleep under the stars. No joke.

We’re prepared for the harrassment and people speaking Japanese to us (the Japanese have ruined travel for all Oriental Asians by buying up all the Louis Vuitton bags in every other country. Damn you. We will hence be greeted with Moroccans with Dirhim signs in their eyes. There is a possibility I have to perform some ninja moves on some naive souls in Morocco. Just gotta do it.

Note: Mum, If I don’t blog within a week of this post, call the embassy and come after me. I was innocent!

So the stage is set for the most exciting locations yet! No more going to Venice or Barcelona, no more Paris and Pisa. This is the year we go to the places most Americans don’t ever go to. Bloody excited about all of these locations.

Top 5 destinations
1. Rekjavik, Iceland – Blue Lagoon, volcanoes, glaciers, and the craziest landscapes in the world.
2. Krakow, Poland – Some call call it the new Prague. Not sure what that means but if it means cheap goulash, I’m all over it. Will do a daytrip to Auschwitz, the notorious Nazi death camp.
3. Marrekesch, Morocco – One word: Africa. Hope we make it back alive.
4. Bergen, Norway – Fjords and most pristine landscape in the world. Also the most expensive, but oh well.
5. Split and Dubrovnik, Croatia – They call this the new Prague, except it’s on the water, you eat polenta instead of goulash, and it’s nothing like Prague.

So there it is, 2009 is going to be a good year for the Ninja!

Looking forward to my next trip next week. First I’m going to head over to Liverpool for a couple of days for the ACPO-APA 2008, where I will meet some of the UK’s top law enforcement officials. I better hide my flick knife from them. Liverpool, of course, is the home of the Beatles so I’ll see if there’s some opportunity to go to the Beatles museum where I can sing “I want to hold your hand” out loud. Liverpool is also the crime capital of the UK, so it should be fun to get mugged while being at a police conference.

The real fun begins when I hit Scotland. Starting off at Edinburgh, we are going to do a 3 day tour around Scotland, including Loch Ness and Isle of Skye.

We then return to Edinburgh for a day and spend the evening in a real life castle, the Dalhousie. That will be our splurge night with the spa and nice meal…not just haggis.

Should be a fab time. Can’t wait for the scotch and finally capturing the Loch Ness Monster. Wish you were beer.

It’s been a while since I’ve done travel blogs. The main reason is because they take a shitload of time. But since one of the goals of this blog is to bring my reading audience(stay-at-home-mums) with me to all the places I go along with how to do it, I will make the effort to document every trip…including Oxford, which I did in 2007. Yes, 2007…when Ron Paul had a strong chance of winning the election. My other goals are to inform other Londoners on how to take these trips and also so that some rich dude reads my delightful blogs and offers me 2 million quid in angel funding for transforming London Ninja into the next big travel portal. Not holding my breathe too hard for that, though.

How to get there?
There’s a very convenient coach that goes from London to Oxford in about 1-1.5 hours. It is probably the nicest coach I have been on with wifi and air conditioning and all that. Very frequent and convenient. Costs around 15 quid.

What to do?
1. Visit the Christ Church College

This is apparently one of the oldest and best known colleges in Oxford, with many famous alum like Tony Blair and Bill Clinton. It is set in a nice area and does make you ponder how the raising of capital gains tax, if not indexed to match an expected rising inflation rate, could deteriorate the rate of investment capital.

2. Visit Harry Potter’s lunch hall
Part of the Christ Church. This place is MAGIC. (See what I did there?)

3. Have a pint at the Turf Tavern
Highlight of the trip was here. You walk through this tiny alley to arrive at one of the top pubs in the country, sporting as many hand pulled bitters as there are cockroaches in a Tijuana taco joint (a plethora). Apparently this place used to be a brothel outside the city walls where the priests would go in the wee hours of the night(you can still see the old city walls next to it). I didn’t understand that…thought they just held “Sunday School”.

How much does it cost?
My first B&B experience, which was at a reasonable rate of ~60 quid, including a full English breakfast with over easy eggs, sausage, tomato, bacon(Canadian style), biscuits, and a shitload of tea. Bus ride is 15 quid as mentioned above. Everything else is just the standard UK bloody expensive…

Verdict: 3 / 5 Ninjas. Good weekend trip..Worth of 1-2 days of fun.

This week I am heading up to the Arctic Circle to have a chat with Santa and to consume Rudolph. Red nose and all…

Santa, here I come

When I went to Russia earlier this winter, everyone asked me “Why are you going there?”. I did a lot of introspection and came up with answers that apply to the Lapland trip as well.

Why Lapland?
1. Because I’m masochistic.
2. Because I want something completely different than where the fat and loud American tourists go.

Where and what is Lapland?

Lapland is the name of a region in north Europe that belongs to Norway, Sweden, Finland and Russia. Mild in summer with temperatures reaching 20°C and a wonderful snowland in winter with -30°C in the coldest months of the year.

The same IM chat occurs every time I chat with someone about Lapland:

London Ninja says: goin 2 lapland on thurs
JeffC says: what’s lapland?
JeffC says: strip club?
London Ninja says: y
JeffC says: cool
London Ninja says: galore

Sorry to disappoint but Lapland is unfortunately not the land of lapdances. Unless you call putting a husky in your lap after a dog-sledding tour a lapdance.

Plans include:

• Ice Hotel
• Overnight Dog sledging tour
• Northern Lights
• Abisko
• Friggin cold weather

Should be a very cool, and I mean bone-chilling, trip. Will give updates after I get the frostbite to clear from my arse.

7. Ladrones
Ladrones deserve their own section when talking about Barcelona. It is highlighted in all of the guidebooks but I think deserve particular attention for Barcelona. Our first major encounter was at the Golden Arches. Yes, we had McDonalds in Spain…but Big Macs in Europe just taste that much better than they do in the US. There’s no piece of home like getting some good old American grub and a full stomache for cheap.

So we were all sitting there chomping down on Frites con Mayo when a McDonalds worker came by and asked us if my camera bag was mine. I said si, unsure of what she wanted. She then went to another side and asked if another bag belonged to a lady two tables down. The worker then came back, signaled for us to look at the bag and said “ladron”. We were trying to figure out what was going on and realised there was a man that had come and sat right next to us that was not eating. We did not think anything of it because we were stuffing our face with Spanish Big Mac con frites. I was certainly pondering the way the silky mayonnaise contrasts with the deep fried crispy texture of the frites as it comes in contact with my tongue. The ladron, who I think was Asian, came and sat down and managed to go through the front pocket of my camera bag. Because a true ninja never leaves his stars in grasp of the enemy, there was nothing in that pocket but if the Mcdonalds worker had not come by, el ladron very well could have taken the entire bag. Bollocks.

I would guess I had roughly a thousand quid worth of photography gear in my bag. Yes, I’m a wanna-be paparrazzi…keeping an eye out for Li-Lo and Brangelina the whole time on my holiday. After that scare, my family and I spent the rest of the time playing “pickpocket”. Actually a pretty cool game…try to steal your mum’s wallet from her purse without her noticing. In concluding that the outside pocket of my camera bag is not secure, I considered putting something nasty in there for the ladrones. Nasty as in feces…from my own arse. That’s gross.

So that same night, we meet up with some of my London co-workers that all happened to be in Barcelona on the same weekend. Big crew of Britons in Barcelona…fab time. Only downside? Ladrones. At one bar, we all hung out at two tables. Being a Friday night the place was packed. At one point in the evening, someone in the group asked if anyone had seen his jacket. I think it was clear at that point that a ladron had come around and gotten two jackets that were on a chair, one containing an iPod and the other belonging to a chick in the group. The only positive in that story was that it was kind of an out-of-style denim jacket that the dude lost. Now, I’m not saying I’m P-Diddy or anything but I’m pretty sure denim jackets aren’t cool. I’m a big retro guy, but I haven’t received that memo that says denim jackets are back. And certainly not for blokes. The part that does suck though is that he had his iPod in his jacket. I’m not an Apple guy, so I’m not crying a river but I can feel for someone losing his music collection.

Tips for safe travel:
1. Put all bags in front of you, on top of the table. If you put it on your sides, it will be gone. If you put bag underneath the table, it will be gone.
2. Clip your bag to something where possible. Many places have something you can clip your bag to. If there is none, use your own bag and clip around table. This especially applies to securing your bag on trains.
3. Always keep an eye out for dudes with a loose jacket being carried on one shoulder.
4. Do not take your jacket off at bars. If you do, keep it on your lap or tie it to something.
5. Do not wear denim jackets as a man. Ever.