London Ninja

This week I am heading up to the Arctic Circle to have a chat with Santa and to consume Rudolph. Red nose and all…

Santa, here I come

When I went to Russia earlier this winter, everyone asked me “Why are you going there?”. I did a lot of introspection and came up with answers that apply to the Lapland trip as well.

Why Lapland?
1. Because I’m masochistic.
2. Because I want something completely different than where the fat and loud American tourists go.

Where and what is Lapland?

Lapland is the name of a region in north Europe that belongs to Norway, Sweden, Finland and Russia. Mild in summer with temperatures reaching 20°C and a wonderful snowland in winter with -30°C in the coldest months of the year.

The same IM chat occurs every time I chat with someone about Lapland:

London Ninja says: goin 2 lapland on thurs
JeffC says: what’s lapland?
JeffC says: strip club?
London Ninja says: y
JeffC says: cool
London Ninja says: galore

Sorry to disappoint but Lapland is unfortunately not the land of lapdances. Unless you call putting a husky in your lap after a dog-sledding tour a lapdance.

Plans include:

• Ice Hotel
• Overnight Dog sledging tour
• Northern Lights
• Abisko
• Friggin cold weather

Should be a very cool, and I mean bone-chilling, trip. Will give updates after I get the frostbite to clear from my arse.

In the US you sometimes get a “Have a Nice Day” on the receipt, but in the UK we do things a bit differently. The waitors here are empowered to make a stand because they do not get the same amount of tip as the US, with an average of roughly a 10% tip.

So last week, after I called the waitor of the restaurant I was eating at a “twat” (British for “biatch”), I received the following receipt. It was very fair, I thought. No extra charge for “Suck My Dick Fuck Face”. Very gracious of them to make that on the house, since it didn’t go all that well with the Chilean Sea Bass.

The two main discount airlines in the UK are EasyJet and RyanAir. There are a couple of smaller airlines to certain destinations but for the most part EasyJet and RyanAir are the ones you go with.

Now, I’ve been on many cheap airlines in the US but none have hidden as many costs as RyanAir .

Let me give you an idea of the absurdity in the discount airlines here in the UK:
1. £12 to check in luggage. 12 bloody quid. Carry-on luggage must be under 10 kilograms
2. £3 to check in at the airport. Let me repeat….£3 to check in at the airport.
3. Your carry-on must be 10kg or less. 10kg = 22lbs. That’s how much 3 wifebeaters and an electric toothbrush weigh.
4. RyanAir advertises 1 cent fares but adds a £20-25 tax on top. Talk about pushing things to the limit. Wonder why they didn’t just go with FREE flights but you pay £25 tax?
5. £4 per passenger for using a Credit Card. Talk about gouging.

Overall, RyanAir still has its merits just not ones I care about. It’s like getting a finger up the arse from your doctor. Sure, there are benefits in preventative ways.but it is just not a good experieTherence. [disclaimer: I do not have any personal experience in that area.]

So I am pleased to say that finally, RyanAir has agreed to the OFT’s mandate to change its cheating ways. The airline still sucks but hey….I got a roundtrip flight to and from Stockholm for like £26. That’s like $50-60 bones. Not bad at all…as long as you’re not checking in at the airport, checking in luggage, using your Credit Card, buying sodas, or doing anything you’re used to doing when you go on a flight. Se La Vie

There are some big differences between snowboarding in the US and Europe. I can’t wait to see first hand. I have been told to try Val d’Isere in France or St Anton in Austria, but there are plenty of ski resorts to go try out. I will probably hit 1-2 this year before the season is over.

I can’t wait to shred that snow only Americans know how to…Hot Dog style…

Anyone remember that movie? Probably not, because I couldn’t find any images from the movie on a basic Google Images search but I do remember enjoying it as an overweight zitty pubescent teenager because it contains material an overweight zitty pubescent teenager would enjoy. The good thing is that I am no longer a pubsecent teenager…still working on the other elements.

So I have been away for most of February on another trip to the bay area.

Here are the highlights of the trip:

1. My name apparently is on the TSA shitlist. Every time I land in the US, they pull me aside and give me a rectal examination. And by rectal, I mean colonic.

2. We found out that my boy Nelly’s cable service has some karaoke, which makes for some great fun with Vodka / Grapefruit juice martinis. I could have sworn I am done with vodka but you know what New York city will do to you every time. Somehow we ended up singing Do You Really Want To Love Me at some bar at 3 in the morning. Rough.

3. As a result of #2, I missed my flight in the morning and as a result missed the Superbowl in the bay area. Bollocks

4. When staying at a hotel with a hotel bar that’s the “cool bar” in town, you know that you’re: a.) in trouble b.) in a shitty town.

5. Got to hang out with friends, including those in New York, San Diego, and the Bay Area including:

Yeah, we go way back.

6. Had a rough Thursday night AND a rough Friday night. See #4 and Friday night was attributed to San Diego.

7. Ate 823 burritoes in 3 days in San Diego. You just gotta do it. Carnitas, California, and Carne Asada mostly.

8. Rented the Stang convertible that I was able to peel out on a few times with the top down. You know what I say when I hit a red light with that rental? “Rollin’ in my 5.0 With my rag-top down so my hair can blow”. That’s what I say.

9. Visited my dentist of 5 years. I promise not to take good quality dental care for granted. My teeth actually feel clean and at no point was I asked to lick the blood off of my front teeth.

10. Brought over 1 luggage and returned with 3. I actually purchased an Eagle Creek backpack (best backpacks in the world) to hold my shit. That’s how weak the US Dollar is…and how good those wasabi almonds at Trader Joes are. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re missing out.

Those were mostly the highlights. All in all it was a pretty rough trip and it’s good to be back in the cold. That summer-type of weather is pretty rough on a body. Great to get back to the gloomy grey of bollocks. Bollocks.