London Ninja

Word: Torch
Definition: Flashlight in American english.
Usage: My optometrist used a torch to shine a blinding light into my eye during my sight test yesterday.

Ok, so I’m usually more on top of my finances than I am currently. Here are the details of my finances in the UK so far:

June: Move to the UK. Am told that I need to turn in bank details in about 4 days time. Not going to happen unless my first name is Harry or my last name is Blair. The problem is that my employer pays monthly instead of every 2 weeks like in the US. WTF

July: Apply for the HSBC International Premier account, which requires one of two qualifications to not charge you some terrible amount monthly:

1. 100k in cash deposited into the account
2. Earn a minimum salary AND be sponsored by a company.

I know some of you may be thinking that the revenue of LondonNinja would bring in about 100k in cash every week, but you would be thinking incorrectly. As a matter of fact, you should be thinking about how you can donate money to LondonNinja so I can buy Ninja stars and…fish and chips.

The big pain in the UK is the level of verification they require at banks. I email in 398 documents including my passport, work visa, blood type, and retinal scan, an imprint of my fourth left toe, and a toenail (yes, I removed it with my teeth but only after cleaning it with anti-bacterial gel)

Bank application in….I’m all set.

Later in July Deadline is up to supply my bank details to my employer. I ping HSBC. No response. No pay for another month. WTF.

August: I find a flat since my hotel runs out in August. I have one week to wire money directly into the agent’s account. I’ve been calling HSBC to get bank details to no avail on a daily basis until last Monday when I finally get through to my relationship manager. Apparently they had opened it a few days before that but didn’t feel like telling me. They should change his title to abusive relationship manager. It’s not a fairy tale relationship, that’s for sure…you have to work at this one. It’s more like a Kate Moss / Peter Doherty type of relationship. (Yes, I read the trashy papers that you get on the Tube for free. And yes, I am proud of it. And yes, I knit).

So back to finances on this last week:
Monday
Ok..I’m almost there. I have an account but my payroll only pays every month. Ok, so I go to my head of payroll and get in good with him. I tell him I’m going to be homeless unless they pay me. I also told him I would sleep under his desk if I end up being homeless. I also told him I would slaughter his dog in the middle of the night and slow roast him in the parking lot. Magically, he agreed to give me an advance of 4000 gbp. YES!

Tuesday: I go to call HSBC to get access to my account. I don’t have a security code so I had to go into a branch where they wouldn’t do anything for me without a passport. Being a smooth operator, I was able to sweettalking them into resetting the security code to one I set myself. I get word from Payroll that they have sent the approvals to the payroll office in Bern, Switzerland but Bern has a holiday on Wed so nobody would be working. WTF. Another lost day.

Wednesday: Bern has a national holiday for some reason…on a Wednesday. WTF.

Thursday: My Payroll guy tells me that they should be putting the money into my account today by end of day. Beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, End of dayNo funds…WTF. I get assurance that it should be getting into the account on Friday.

Friday:No funds in the account. I go back to my Payroll guy, who calls Bern. No go. They tell me it should post to my account sometime during the day. Since I have to wire the money into the agent’s account by 3pm with a “Same Day wire”, I eagerly await.

3pm Nada. I guess I’m not moving in over the weekend. FDAT. I did get assurance that the money will be in my account by Monday. I have to check out of my hotel on Tuesday.

Monday: Check my account in the morning. Nada. Balance = 0gbp. I talk to my Payroll guy who tells me that funds take a bit longer to transfer than he thought. TYVM. He did mention one thing I had not considered, which is overdrawing my bank account as sort of a loan. I remembered that I had 5000gbp in overdraft protection. I call up a rep and confirm that the overdraft is basically like a loan for 9.9%APR that I can take out anytime. Damn, should have done that much earlier. I do the wire and am finally getting somewhere.

Tuesday:Funds finally clear into the agents’ account on the same day we had to check out of our hotel. I literally had luggage and bags that I had to bring to work to store. I make my appointment to pick up my keys at 1pm. We are ALL SET!!!!

12:40pm on Tuesday: I get to the Tube to find out that it is closed for renovations. At 12:40pm on a weekday. WTF.

1:15pm on Tuesday I arrive to find that the lease has incorrect details that will require a new lease be drawn up and signed.

3:15pm on Tuesday. Hallelujah….I finally am able to get keys to my flat and move in.

Yes, this blog entry is long…but this harrowing experience has been even longer. The good thing is that we’re now moved in and are not sleeping under my Payroll guy’s desk or roasting any dogs.

Cheers to that.

Banking in the UK has been an absolute nightmare.

When I came over from the US, I was given two “streamlined processes” that I can take. So I already had an edge on someone who did not work for a company with a relationship with a bank. I’ve heard it’s a nightmare to do it yourself. Ultimately it comes down to requiring you to have bills to prove your residence in the UK before banks will give you an account. But you can’t really get a residence without a bank account. WTF.

So I had two options:
1. Natwest UK
2. HSBC Premier International Banking

Being from the US, I decided to go for the HSBC Premier banking because it offers wires between the UK/US (at a crap exchange rate)…about a month ago.

I had to scan and email about 80 different forms of verification documentation to my account manager in the US. I went through two different people, neither of which had any clue what was going on. I just emailed them and left messages for them daily for weeks, usually without any response.

So finally, last week, after many attempts, I got my account manager on the line and voila…apparently the accounts had been opened but no one mentioned it to me. TYVM. The only problem was that my US cards were sent to my parents home and my UK cards were sent to the International banking center in Manchester. Um..TYVM, but I’m in London?!?! I actually had to get the bank to send the cards to my local branch, but as of writing do not have any credit or debit cards yet. Yeah, TYVM.

All of that said, there are two advantages to the Premier banking account:
1. You can do everything through the phone
2. You get a CSR on the phone 24/7
3. I got a 5000gbp overdraft, which I had to use to get my flat.

It was definitely a long drawn out process that HSBC had which I would not recommend. I have no experience with any other banks in the UK, but there has to be better than HSBC. All that said….the Brits say all the banks suck..so maybe banking just sucks overall in the UK. Or maybe banks suck overall across the world, since Americans say the same thing about BofA, Wells, Wamu(probably less so).

The one improvement for banks in the UK is that they don’t assess that ridiculous ATM charge if you use a different bank’s ATM. I’ve always felt that to be ridiculous and why I have gone with my internet banks (FirstIB and eTrade both reimburse ATM fees, not to mention the money-market-esque interest rates).

YES. I have finally moved into my place and am spending my first night in my new pad.

There are some major elements of flat finding, international banking, wiring, Chaps transfers, money laundering, and Tube stations not working that have made life quite interesting the last week or so. My next few weeks will be filled with council taxes, broadband, TV, phone services…

Many How-To guides to come. For now I’m just enjoying not sleeping at my office (or…footing the bill for a ridiculously overpriced hotel room). Cheers to that.

So on top of Mad Cow, the UK has this thing with resusitating a eradicated cow disease that is akin to the Smallpox, but for cows. Long story short, when in the UK, stick with white meat….unless you’re afraid of the Avian Bird Flu, in which case you should probably stick with fish….unless you’re afraid of mercury, in which case you should probably stick with vegetables….unless you’re afraid of pesticides(yes, organic foods included), in which case you should probably stick with styrofoam….unless you’re afraid of malnutrition, in which case you should probably just eat beef in the UK.

Cheers to the best beef in the world.

So you get more holidays in the UK than in the US. But before you start packing thinking you’re going to get summer and winter vacations like when I used to steal your lunchmoney in grade school, think again. The number of holidays I get with my employer are an improvement but not as much so as one would think:

Holidays in the US: 16 Days + 10 days public holiday + 1 floating holiday = 27 days. I am not adding in the fact that I am losing the three days of vacation that I got for each year of service at my company. Boo.
Holidays in the UK: 25 Days + 8 public holidays = 32 days

Combine that with a 3 day mandate in the UK to take the week between Xmas and NYE off, and it’s really a wash. The problem with the mandate to work that week is that it’s the best week to actually work. You can go into the office late, go out for a 3 hour lunch followed by a 3 hour coffee, and then it’s time to go home. It’s just that time of the year when it’s ok to do this (or maybe I’m just a bastard you don’t want to work with).

There is one more difference between the UK office and my US office: vacation days DON’T carrry over from year-to-year. What this means is that you cannot convert a significant portion of your vacation days into cash if you wanted to. In the US, you accrue vacation days with a cap on the amount you can accrue, which is 255 hours. That’s like 6 weeks. Whatever you have in your vacation bank at the end of your employment you get paid out for. If you have the entire 255 hours, you would get an extra 6 weeks pay! That goes away if they make you take all your vacations annually. Bummer.

Oh well. On paper it’s more, anyway. For people out there that have that perception that there are a ton of “bank holidays” in the UK, you’re wrong. We get less in the UK than the US. This isn’t exactly France with the 35 hour workweek and additional holidays if you work longer than 35.

How do I transfer to France again? Bonjour!

Word: Punter
Definition:
In British English, a customer of a business, the usage being primarily found in London and Essex.
In both British and Australian English, a gambler, particularly an amateur betting on horse racing.
Not, I repeat, Not the guy who kicks the football when it’s fourth down.
Usage: The area around the pub gets quite busy after all of the punters get out.
Usage #2: Those bloody punters are betting on the wrong horse.

To be perfectly honest, I’ve seen and heard this term used a few times and am still not comfortable using it in public in fear of having sausage and mash thrown at me. Cheers.

Wow, it’s been two months already….Will miss this area of London. It’s been fab living next to Hugh Grant.

Last weekend at our hotel