London Ninja

Yes, it is true. Dentists in London suck.

Yeah baby

Ok, my first Dental experience in London was very British. There are a few different aspects of dentistry in London that are different than the US.

1. Dental plans are allowance based. In the US, dental plans generally allow you to go to any dentist that accepts your dental plan and gives you the negotiated rates. This means no paperwork, no worries. It allows you the standard one xray and two cleanings a year. Nothing out of pocket. In the UK it is different. My plan is basically a program where you go to any dentist and are given an allowance to spend. The thing that sucks, however, is that you have to shop around because with my plan I only get a set amount. and many dentists go over that amount to get a checkup and cleaning. Prices vary greatly between dentist to dentist so it pays to shop around. I went over by like 30gbp, which is all out of pocket. fdat

2. Avoid the hygenist. I recommend everyone(globally) get the cleaning from a dentist rather than a dental assistant/hygenist. Why? It means either your dentist is lazy or that your dentist is trying to squeeze more patients in which deteriorates the quality of service. I’ve had both types of dentists over the years and I assure you that having your dentist take the time to do your cleanings is critical. My US dentist did but my British dentist didn’t. Guess which dentist I would go back to. Make sure you ask who will be doing the cleaning before you go in.

3. Look for a non-British dentist. I found some South African and New Zealand dentists but unfortunately, because of #1 above, I was unable to go to them because it costs more than the allowance.

4. Make sure your first dental appointment covers the xrays. Some of them don’t. Basically, ask for the overall price, otherwise, they will take that saliva suction device and suck the quid out of your pocket faster than a fat boy runs after cake.

My experience
Ok…so at my appointment, my dentist was almost surprised that I didn’t have any problems with my teeth coming in and that I just wanted to get a checkup. He then kept commenting on the quality of my dental work (um…) and that my previous dentists have done a great job. My last dentist in the Bay Area did in fact do a great job, but is it that rare to see good dental work in London? My dentist then kept trying to get the name of the tooth-whitening product that I had used last year. You know, the one that has given me a pearly white smile that makes people put on their sunglasses. Aw yeah. If you are looking for such a product I will sell it to you at 20% on top of retail. It’s hard work having white teeth, my friends.

So after the rather weak examination by the dentist, I was led off to the torture chamber where an Asian girl was awaiting. I will hereafter refer to her as “she-devil”. Imagine the worst place you have ever been…now imagine pouring a bucket of blood into it and smearing entrails all over the walls. Something to that effect.

She had a blowtorch mask on and had a sinister tray of tools ready for possible enemy. It was sort of like a combination of movies: Braveheart and Hostel. For Braveheart, I am referring to that final scene with all the torture devices where Wallace cries out FREEEEEEEEDOM for the last time. And for Hostel, I am not referring to the pleasant beginning of the movie at the hostel. Yes, I am referring to the chamber of death…with entrails on the walls.

Is that a cavity I see?

So she-devil starts attacking, pushing, sawing, grinding…doing everything at 10x the force it needed to be. My gums were bleeding profusely, of course. For some reason she-devil decided never to pause to splash my mouth with water and suck out all the fluid like every other hygenist/dentist I’ve had. As a result, I’m forced to swallow the goo that is in my mouth…swallowing, of course, is something no man should have to do…ever.

I’m used to pain at the dentist chair, but this was intense, folks. I was literally feeling it two days later. Sure, I get some calculus on my teeth that needs to be scraped, but the force used was fit for scraping cement off my teeth. I kept seeing bloody saliva being stringed along with her dagger when normally dentists would spray water and suction at such a sight. It’s sort of like a loogee that you fish around with a popsicle stick…except it falls on your face. At one point, she=devil told me to use my tongue to lick some blood off my front teeth. ZOMG. I’m bloody bloody serious. I was in shock…and pain. Imagine taking a push pin and sticking it into your eyeball. Then injecting battery acid into that fresh wound and you probably have the pain level she was imposing on yours truly. Cheers.

I promise to floss

When it was all over, I went over to rinse my mouth…full of blood and calculus, of course…and for the first time in my life in a dentist office, I had dried blood caked on my cheek that I had to wipe off with a damp towel. It did, to my pleasant surprise, give my cheeks a nice rosy color, though. Then I passed out and they rushed me to the hospital due to blood loss.

Ok, I didn’t pass out…but this has got to be one of the more traumatic dental experiences I’ve had. I’ll try a different practice in 6 months time, but the verdict so far is that British dentistry is bloody bollocks. At least I know what Wallace was feeling when he died.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM