London Ninja

Ok, so I’m usually more on top of my finances than I am currently. Here are the details of my finances in the UK so far:

June: Move to the UK. Am told that I need to turn in bank details in about 4 days time. Not going to happen unless my first name is Harry or my last name is Blair. The problem is that my employer pays monthly instead of every 2 weeks like in the US. WTF

July: Apply for the HSBC International Premier account, which requires one of two qualifications to not charge you some terrible amount monthly:

1. 100k in cash deposited into the account
2. Earn a minimum salary AND be sponsored by a company.

I know some of you may be thinking that the revenue of LondonNinja would bring in about 100k in cash every week, but you would be thinking incorrectly. As a matter of fact, you should be thinking about how you can donate money to LondonNinja so I can buy Ninja stars and…fish and chips.

The big pain in the UK is the level of verification they require at banks. I email in 398 documents including my passport, work visa, blood type, and retinal scan, an imprint of my fourth left toe, and a toenail (yes, I removed it with my teeth but only after cleaning it with anti-bacterial gel)

Bank application in….I’m all set.

Later in July Deadline is up to supply my bank details to my employer. I ping HSBC. No response. No pay for another month. WTF.

August: I find a flat since my hotel runs out in August. I have one week to wire money directly into the agent’s account. I’ve been calling HSBC to get bank details to no avail on a daily basis until last Monday when I finally get through to my relationship manager. Apparently they had opened it a few days before that but didn’t feel like telling me. They should change his title to abusive relationship manager. It’s not a fairy tale relationship, that’s for sure…you have to work at this one. It’s more like a Kate Moss / Peter Doherty type of relationship. (Yes, I read the trashy papers that you get on the Tube for free. And yes, I am proud of it. And yes, I knit).

So back to finances on this last week:
Monday
Ok..I’m almost there. I have an account but my payroll only pays every month. Ok, so I go to my head of payroll and get in good with him. I tell him I’m going to be homeless unless they pay me. I also told him I would sleep under his desk if I end up being homeless. I also told him I would slaughter his dog in the middle of the night and slow roast him in the parking lot. Magically, he agreed to give me an advance of 4000 gbp. YES!

Tuesday: I go to call HSBC to get access to my account. I don’t have a security code so I had to go into a branch where they wouldn’t do anything for me without a passport. Being a smooth operator, I was able to sweettalking them into resetting the security code to one I set myself. I get word from Payroll that they have sent the approvals to the payroll office in Bern, Switzerland but Bern has a holiday on Wed so nobody would be working. WTF. Another lost day.

Wednesday: Bern has a national holiday for some reason…on a Wednesday. WTF.

Thursday: My Payroll guy tells me that they should be putting the money into my account today by end of day. Beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday, End of dayNo funds…WTF. I get assurance that it should be getting into the account on Friday.

Friday:No funds in the account. I go back to my Payroll guy, who calls Bern. No go. They tell me it should post to my account sometime during the day. Since I have to wire the money into the agent’s account by 3pm with a “Same Day wire”, I eagerly await.

3pm Nada. I guess I’m not moving in over the weekend. FDAT. I did get assurance that the money will be in my account by Monday. I have to check out of my hotel on Tuesday.

Monday: Check my account in the morning. Nada. Balance = 0gbp. I talk to my Payroll guy who tells me that funds take a bit longer to transfer than he thought. TYVM. He did mention one thing I had not considered, which is overdrawing my bank account as sort of a loan. I remembered that I had 5000gbp in overdraft protection. I call up a rep and confirm that the overdraft is basically like a loan for 9.9%APR that I can take out anytime. Damn, should have done that much earlier. I do the wire and am finally getting somewhere.

Tuesday:Funds finally clear into the agents’ account on the same day we had to check out of our hotel. I literally had luggage and bags that I had to bring to work to store. I make my appointment to pick up my keys at 1pm. We are ALL SET!!!!

12:40pm on Tuesday: I get to the Tube to find out that it is closed for renovations. At 12:40pm on a weekday. WTF.

1:15pm on Tuesday I arrive to find that the lease has incorrect details that will require a new lease be drawn up and signed.

3:15pm on Tuesday. Hallelujah….I finally am able to get keys to my flat and move in.

Yes, this blog entry is long…but this harrowing experience has been even longer. The good thing is that we’re now moved in and are not sleeping under my Payroll guy’s desk or roasting any dogs.

Cheers to that.